you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
