i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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