Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
