Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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