it's too hot outside to masturbate.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
