His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
