I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
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I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
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You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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