I heard we made out
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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