Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
