No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
