i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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