We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
