the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
