I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
