Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
