I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
