She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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