Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He felt like a one man threesome
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
