By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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