he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
