I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
