Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
