Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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