Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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