Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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