So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
