her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
