you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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