she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
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its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
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I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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