I just pynch a tree in the face
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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