I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
