i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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