when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
