why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
