If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
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If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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