Your face is a jimmy john
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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