My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
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hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
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He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I want to fling myself into the sun
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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