I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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