I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
