He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
