The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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