I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
