He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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