i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
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I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
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So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
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