you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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