I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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