i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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