Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Too much gin, very little bucket
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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