Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
