does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
