tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Randomize
