Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Randomize
