im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
