I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
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