Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
