life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
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sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
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Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"