I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.