Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
